A Lighter Today

 

Written over a period of weeks in August 2018

For the past year and coming to a peak this Spring (2018) I have been many variations of anxious, depressed, restless, lonely, extremely uncomfortable with being with myself and many emotions in between.

 

I kept a journal during this time and some of my exact words as transcribed from my journey from May 2018-July 2018 include:

 

“I feel a persistent need to do and be more. Nothing I do is ever enough.”

“I look forward to evenings when I can allow myself to relax and enjoy relaxing.”

“Sleep is a welcome reprieve from the torture of my mind, when I fall asleep I get a break from myself.”

“I feel a conflict with all the things I could be doing right now when what I really crave is rest.”

“I am in pain. I see why some people resort to cutting themselves, drugs, drinking excessively as an alternative to feeling the inner turmoil.”

“It’s hard to get up, I feel like staying in bed all day.”

“Everything feels like a chore, EVERYTHING.”

“I feel very uneasy and anxious most of the time.”

“I have a hard time being alone with myself.”

“I am not happy with how I show up with Kennedy, I feel anxious around her and so often just want a break from her.”

“I have a heavy, dark feeling in my throat and chest.”

“I am afraid of being depressed and admitting I am struggling with depression.”

“I am eating a lot and finding temporary comfort in food. I see clearly that it is not fixing any fundamental problems but life feels too sad and overwhelming to deal with without escaping to food often.”

“I resist things I know are good for me like getting out of bed when I wake up, being present, meditating and exercise.”

“I feel indecisive and guilty constantly.”

“I ache and long for love, nurturing, hugs and to be held.”

“What if Patrick leave’s me because I am not fun and have been down for too long.”

“I feel desperate for support.”

 

What led me to feel like this and to be so aware and able to articulate this?

 

Slowing down my life.

 

Sounds weird right?

 

In my head slowing down was the answer to all my unhappiness. Slowing down was supposed to make me instantly happier and freer and give me the peace I so craved.

 

Nope! It didn’t work that way. After so many years on autopilot slowing down proved to be both the hardest and the most courageous thing I have ever done.

 

Up until this point I had spent my life as a human “DOING”, always keeping myself insanely busy. I was constantly striving to accomplish more worldly achievements. This striving involved working incredibly long hours and forcing myself to cross off un-realistically long to-do lists on a daily basis.

 

 

As a child and teen I volunteered with seniors, I constantly dieted and tried to change my body with crazy regimes (I see now that this was just another way of staying busy and distracted from myself), I strove to get good grades, I taught Sunday School, I did multiple activities every night, I went on foreign exchange to practice my French, I snowboarded relentlessly every chance I had, I always had multiple part time jobs and kept myself incredibly busy.

 

As a young adult I went to University, worked as a waitress and physical therapy assistant while also competing on the Canadian Development and then National Snowboard Team. On top of that I was an extreme people pleaser so I tried to make sure to spend time will all my family and friends and never let anyone down. It was exhausting.

 

Then as an adult I worked tirelessly to create Ironside Fitness where I sometimes trained up to 16 1 on 1 clients back to back in a day, then opened 2 Fitness studios within 6 months of each other and tried to balance work and a personal life.

 

Going at such a frenetic pace for so long and forcing myself to get a million things done in a day so I could feel “worthy” finally caught up with me.   There was no amount of “doing” and “accomplishment” that would lead be to feel like I had done enough and was worthy. Like I wrote in my journal, “I feel a persistent need to do and be more. Nothing I do is ever enough.”

 

Nothing would ever be enough until I let it be enough, until I said enough was enough, until I healed myself and believed I was enough at my core. This would take time.

 

I became aware of how much this (in retrospect) quite insane way of doing life was affecting me when I sought out medical help in Spring 2017. I wanted to get to the bottom of why I was having recurrent miscarriages. The results showed my adrenals were extremely fatigued, I was totally stressed out and that even when I was laying down I was still in “fight or flight” mode. Basically, my body didn’t know how to relax after so many years of pushing myself and allowing zero downtime.

 

I decided to start doing some “practices” that were encouraged to me by my Functional Medicine Doctor including special meditation/breath work and taking up Kundalini Yoga. These practices definitely helped however I realized I was still in total “doing” mode. Adding in a couple practices to help me relax was a positive start and something fundamental in my life desperately needed to shift.

 

A year later, in Spring 2018 after a 4th miscarriage despite the efforts I had made to try to relax and improve my health I decided to really slow down the “doing”.

 

My 1st motivation was my deep desire to get pregnant and stay pregnant and bring another babe into this world. I didn’t think my heart could bear another loss. My 2nd motivation was a deep knowing that the way I was doing life and running my business was not be sustainable or enjoyable.

 

I no longer wanted to be part of the rat race. It was time for a big change.

 

I made the scary decision to put my Online coaching business Love Your Way Light (formerly The Diet Dropout) that I had poured everything into for 2 years totally on hold. I let my clients know I was struggling and needed to spend some time on me so that I could come back stronger and happier (and hopefully pregnant). I told my husband I needed a break and took a big step back in my role at Ironside Fitness too.

 

Then the really hard part came.

 

For the first time in my life I had TIME.

 

And it scared the crap out of me. Seeing a day with nothing scheduled was so uncomfortable for me. I had derived my self- worth from accomplishments for my whole life. Having no worldly “accomplishments” making me feel uncomfortable made so much sense.

 

I wanted time to heal and have peace and enjoy life so badly.

 

I created the time I so desired and I felt worse.

 

Ouch.

 

My deepest desire was to feel peace and have the ability to enjoy the moment and enjoy being Charmaine.

 

And with proclaiming and taking action towards that desire came into the light everywhere I wasn’t able to do that. So many challenges popped up. Most of them felt like a war in my mind (you can see the list of some of what I felt from my journal words shared above).

 

I knew I could run back to my old way of living, striving, busyness as one “solution” to this discomfort. I see now that this is how so many people live their lives. Busy, unconscious, numb. Somehow I deeply knew that this wasn’t the answer to the true, lasting peace and joy I craved. If I went back to the old way I would end up in the same exhausted, burnt out, unfulfilled, anxious and depressed state again and again.

 

With the help of time, spaciousness, outside insight and support it became so clear that the old way of doing and busyness had kept me totally disconnected from myself and the world.

 

The insane busyness allowed me to avoid feeling my discomfort with myself that was deeply rooted from a young age. Because I was highly sensitive and didn’t know how to process my emotions from a young age I turned to distraction and keeping busy as one of my main coping mechanism. Around age 11, the busy, always hyper-scheduled, over achiever , people pleaser Charmaine emerged in full force.

 

The busyness came with a hefty price-tag. My body and spirit were revolting with exhaustion, miscarriages, depression and anxiety. I was living the shell of a life. I was not being true to my deepest self.

 

I am so grateful to share that I got through this time that I would describe as very dark and have now emerged in the light.

 

It took a LOT to get through it. I didn’t realize how much I fought for myself until I took the time to review my journal, my agenda, my notes and then type this out and create a list of everything that helped me, big and small.

 

I am motivated to share this list because I know it will be a great reference for me in the future and helpful to share with others who are struggling in darkness. I am glad to have this opportunity because I believe it is important to remember what helps us when we struggle and where we have come from because our memory can be short.

 

Here is highlight list of all I did (and didn’t do)

Each Highlight Item is elaborated on further down

All of this happened from May’18 –August ‘18 when I emerged from the dark place. Some of the things listed were practices I had previously used that I either re-started or pressed deeper into.

 

  • Stayed with my discomfort and used practices to feel my feelings fully so I could move through them

 

  • Healed old stories and questioned old beliefs that no longer served me

 

  • Showered Love, Kindness, Compassion and Patience on myself

 

  • Slowed down and allowed rest

 

  • I got support. And more support

 

  • Surrounded myself with positivity and practices that made me feel more positive

 

 

Stayed with my discomfort and used practices to feel my feelings fully so I could move through them

 

-I stayed with myself instead of running back to the old way of staying busy and thus disconnected from my true self. No matter how uncomfortable it was to be really present with myself I knew it was the key to everything I wanted (peace, connection, joy) so I stayed.

-Allowed myself to feel the extreme sorrow I felt in my heart over so many past pregnancy losses (and other losses in fact) that I never allowed myself to fully feel. By allowing myself to acknowledge the sorrow and notice how it felt in my body I was able to move through it. The sorrow felt like a dark cold feeling in my chest and throat. When I took time to feel and breathe into the feeling in my body it helped dissipate the desperate feeling that I needed to escape from myself. I also ceremoniously put a flower in the river to commemorate each little spirit that wasn’t meant for this earth.

-Reminded myself often that feelings are just sensations in my body and not as scary or inappropriate or shameful as I made them out to be in the past.

-I reminded myself often of what my mentor George would say about feelings: Feeling are not who we are, they won’t last forever and we are not alone in feeling them.

– When my heart felt so heavy and black, I visualized a drain in my heart opening and saw old black yucky liquid drain out. After this I felt so much more lightness, hope, and freshness. I even wrote in my journal “I am really amazed by this (energetic) shift and how effective breathing and visualizing is. THIS SHIT WORKS!”

-Did my best (and often missed the mark) to stay with my feelings instead of eating to avoid them. When I did eat for comfort I was aware of what I was doing, I avoided beating myself up and I did my best to do better the next chance I got. Sometimes I would drink Tea or do a meditation instead of eating and I always celebrated that.

-Journaled a ton, almost everyday and sometimes twice a day. Some days it was hard. I didn’t feel journaling however I always felt better during and after. Putting my feelings on paper felt good and gave me a reprieve from the heaviness, even if only for a few moments (better than nothing!).

 

Healed old stories, questioned old beliefs and shifted ways of thinking that no longer served me

 

-Loosened up on some routines that no longer felt like they were loving to myself or serving my highest good. These were things that I had told myself I “Had to do” to be successful and productive for many years which I realized were no longer true for me. Things like the time I had to wake up, when I had to meditate and how I had to get out of bed immediately in the morning or I would set up my day for disastrous procrastination were all on the chopping block! I realized I had lived my life ruled by what I “had to do” instead of what I wanted and deserved to do and it was no longer how I chose to do life.

-I stopped setting my alarm for crazy early times like 3:30 am and 4 am and allowed myself to sleep until my body was rested without setting an alarm. I naturally would wake up around 5 am and it felt so good after years of un-naturally early wake ups to an aggressive alarm. I gave up the 5 am shifts at my fitness studio because I realized they really didn’t work for me and my life, my body or my spirit anymore. Once I settled into a kinder way of doing life I started sleeping naturally until about 6:30 am and although I had some self-judgment I worked through that and allowed my body what it needed.

-If I missed my morning meditation I would do it later in the day instead of beating myself up or feeling like I had ruined the day (like I would have in the past!).

-If my spirit wanted to lay in bed and cuddle with my husband for a few minutes or just daydream or think I would allow myself to do this without feeling like I was procrastinating or setting myself up for a “ruined” or slothful day

-I realized how important compromise is. I can have it all. I can still lay in bed for a few minutes and then mediate. It doesn’t have to be black or white, this or that.

-Shifting away from the loud ego talk that would tell me I NEEDED to do things, I should do things, I had to do things and started using more language around I choose to, I get to, I can, I will.

-When my ego (the heavy feeling in my body and spirit and the words like “should” and “have to”) would pop up I would say “I love you ego and I don’t need you right now” . I would not give it any extra time or attention. I pressed into my desire to live life guided by love, inspiration and intuition instead.

-Called my Dad to talk about my abandonment struggles that started as a child. We had such a helpful conversation and I was able to hear that him moving out and my parents divorcing had nothing to do with me. It was really liberating and healing because I had harbored a lot of painful guilt and hurt for years around this.

-Realized that I was not taught to feel and express myself in healthy ways growing up and that as an adult I got to heal myself and change how I processed emotions. I chose to embrace them as healthy and express them rather than stuff them down more often than not.

-Used a tool called the Neurosqueegee that I learned from my mentor George to create spaciousness in my mind for new more helpful thoughts and beliefs. When going to a place in my thoughts that I knew didn’t serve me I would take 3 huge deep breaths and then press into what I desired instead of the old thoughts that didn’t serve me.

-Reminding myself, I am not my thoughts, I am the observer of my thoughts. I get to choose whether I let my thoughts take hold and become me or not.

-Realized I didn’t want to stay where I was and that to get a new result I was going to need to do some things differently.

-Learning how to give and allow myself pleasure without guilt…any kind of pleasure, cuddling with husband in bed in the morning or a massage for example. So much guilt around relaxing from the past that I am letting go of, it no longer serves me.

-Re-defining success for myself and knowing I don’t have to do things in my business and life the same anymore. There are different ways. Reminding myself that I am in charge and if the journey of business is enjoyable it will be more sustainable and help more people too!

-Noticed that the way I had been speaking about my challenge of staying present in the moment wasn’t serving me. I kept talking about how hard I found it to be in the moment so I started shifting my language. My new wording when I was feeling that it was challenging became “Up until now I have found being present in the moment challenging and I am starting to massively shift this”

-Slowing down showed me how anxious I was deep down. I realized this anxiousness came from a lifetime of using food and staying busy to distract myself from challenging emotions I felt as a kid and through my life. I felt anxious with the tensions in my home life from a young age and took on so many people’s energies my whole life (up until recently). I didn’t have anywhere for this anxiousness to go so I just stayed really busy. I talked with my mentor and worked through this. One thing that really helped was telling my inner child that she was safe and that it was safe to express herself and ask for what she needed and that she was loved. Somehow this dissipated a lot of the deep rooted, old anxiety.

-Reminding myself that feeling sad and being so sad is different. Instead of claiming “ I am so sad” I made sure to shift my language to “I feel sad” . This distinction was so important as I regularly reminded myself that I am not my feeling’s. I didn’t want to take on the identity of I AM SAD because “words create worlds” and are hugely powerful!

 

Showered Love, Kindness, Compassion and Patience on myself

 

-Let it be okay not to formally exercise some days without guilt and overthinking it or beating myself up.

-Reminded myself constantly that I am enough just because I am alive.

– When I felt resistance to going to the gym I would be kind with myself and instead of forcing it I surrendered and started doing little circuits at home, outside in my sunroom or on my paddleboard. I celebrated these little bouts of exercise as being much better than the alternative of doing nothing. Some days it was what my body and spirit desired so I honored that.

-Made choices for myself that felt good, expansive and healing and said empowered no’s to absolutely anything that didn’t.

-Constantly reminded myself that I was there for myself. I remember saying “I will never leave you Charmaine,” and this felt really reassuring.

-Mirror work around self -love. Constantly reminding myself I love myself. Looking at myself in the mirror and deeply into my eyes and saying “I Love You Charmaine”.

– Put a photo of me as a toddler on my phone as the wallpaper and regularly looked at that little girl and told her she is loved and I am there for her. I showered that little girl with everything she never asked for, knew how to give herself or received freely growing up.

-Surrendered to the moment and kept reminding myself that I don’t have to have it all figured out before taking a step.

-Being encouraged by my coach to let my inspiration lead each day instead of feeling like I need total clarity to move forward. This felt so good.

-Prioritized self-care that I enjoyed such as paddle boarding, napping, massages, kundalini yoga.

-Reminded myself that learning how to slow down and learning how to enjoy BEING instead of always “DOING” is a new skill and it takes work and it will be so worth it.

-Realized that most of the pressure to DO more come from myself. 99% of it does!!

-Let myself be in the funk without trying to force my way out or “fake it”. I was so done with that mentality.

-Reminded myself it is okay to need a lot of self care, love and support and stopped judging myself for being too “needy”.

-Let it be okay to feel sad and anxious instead of judging myself and saying I “shouldn’t” be feeling that way. The judgment was only dragging me down and preventing me from moving forward.

-I reminded myself that to get really good at being present and enjoying the moment will take time after years of being very unconscious and rushed and disconnected.

-I stopped judging myself for not being “better” at mediating and reminded myself that the more I practice the easier it will get and to enjoy the journey and be in the moment.

-Getting really quiet and tuning into my heart for direction in life and in small decisions as often as possible, this is a work in progress.

-Since I found it overwhelming to focus on big desires or goals I just set a daily intention that was kind and felt doable. This felt good instead of forcing myself to try to get excited about the far off future which was overwhelming in the state I was in.

-Constantly used so much love, compassion, patience, kindness and gentleness with myself in every situation. Had a wonderful coach to remind me do to this too when I would forget.

-Since my word of the year that I chose in early 2018 was Kindness to myself I looked through this lens as often as possible when making choices. I.e. Is saying yes to this being Kind to myself.

 

Slowed down and allowed rest and space

 

-Napped when I was tired instead my old way of “pushing through”. I gave myself the gift of total rest. I saw a quote that said “relish in resting” and I loved this.

-Reminding myself a lot, I “GET” to slow down, I deserve to slow down. This helped combat the guilt I felt around slowing down due to old conditioning that led me to believe that always accomplishing, doing more and pushing through was necessary in life (lies!!).

-Went to bed early and slept until I naturally awoke (shifted my schedule at the Fitness Studio to allow this).

– Since I was experiencing bad insomnia on nights I worked at 5 or 6 am I did some trades and shifted things so I started coaching fitness sessions later. This allowed me to have better sleeps and also more spaciousness, peace and kindness in my morning routine.

-Set up my days with spaciousness between events, appointments and to-do’s. I realized that most things take longer than I think/would typically allot to them so having a buffer in between every to-do is such a necessity for having the peace and presence I desire and deserve.

-Regular reminder to self that there is exactly enough time in the day for all the important things in my life. My keychain says this and I read it often to remind myself of this truth. To make this statement true I said a lot of empowered “no’s” to anything that required time and energy above and beyond what I had or wanted to expend.

-I stopped searching for the quick fix solution to my depression and anxiousness out there and gave myself spaciousness to rest, feel and heal. Instead of investing in another self-help book or personal development course I focused on me. I realized the solution to my pain wasn’t going to be found out there and instead inside of myself.

-Took a break from social media. I wasn’t enjoying it and it felt like a struggle so instead of “pushing through” and posting multiple times a day like I had forced myself to do in the past I decided to wait until it felt inspired again and then only post as inspiration hits.

-Unplugged periodically from all inputs such as books, social media, podcasts and allowed space and time to tap into my own inner wisdom.

 

To help me move through my depression and dark period I got support. And more support.

 

-Allowed myself to receive from others. This was a big challenge for me at first since “going it alone” and being strong for others was the way I had done things up until this point. A wonderful coach of mine told me that I could be of service by wholeheartedly receiving and I really took this to heart. I reminded myself that it was okay to receive and I deserved to be taken care of in this time of need.

– Since I didn’t feel like I could access healing on my own and felt very disconnected from myself I sought out solace and healing in others (ie.my Reikki Energy Healer) and let myself know this was okay.

-Used a ton of discernment when asking for support on who I felt could hold space for me. I chose to reach out to people who I felt could hold space for me, hug me, love on me even in my sadness and darkness. I didn’t want someone to “fix” me or give me the quick solution, I just wanted people to be with me and help me move through what I needed to go through.

-Was real and authentic with certain friends about how I was feeling instead of trying to be the “eternal optimist” version of me. This was not easy. I was a bit scared and doubtful that anyone would want to spend time with me if I wasn’t happy. I was pleasantly surprised.

-Did 6 sessions with a life coach for extra support to help me through this dark time.

-Leaned into a community of women I have been part of for almost a year (Called Amazing Women International) even though I feared being a downer and pulling the group down. I felt needy and like they would grow weary of my sadness. I was encouraged to share and get support on the calls and Facebook group as often as I felt inclined so I allowed myself to do this (despite some resistance!). The women in the group and the coaches came up under my wings and it was such an amazing feeling knowing I had this group to lean on. Being part of this group of women who consciously create their lives and business’ and avoid buying into societies insane ways of DOING and BUSY BUSY BUSY was (and is) a huge part of my ability to do life differently with more peace and presence then ever before even when the tsunami of momentum from society still says “do more”.

-Used discernment on whether or not people’s advice or even when deciding if advice I read in books was helpful for me. As my mom used to say “Take what you need and leave the rest” when it comes to advice and information. I would really feel into whether people’s advice felt true for me or not. I knew I didn’t need more to-do’s or quick fix solutions. Comments such as “just stay busy”, “get out there and take action”, or “just focus on positives” etc. were not the type of advice I needed in this time of healing. The people that gave this advice were well meaning and not wrong, they just weren’t aligned with where I was. I needed to feel the feelings and go through it, not just avoid them or push through them like I had always done before.

-Shared my struggles and desire to slow down with a dear friend and mother figure who encouraged me to slow down guilt free. I needed to hear this message a million times in a million ways so having her support of me slowing down felt really helpful.

-Found a therapist who aligned with my goals and had a spiritual and intuitive feel to her sessions. I felt a bit of shame at first for needing “professional help”. Most of my life I believed that needing therapy meant there was something “wrong” with you. I was able to quickly ditch this old belief system and embrace needing help and support and be proud of myself for doing the work to move through old baggage and habits. I quickly realized how many people see therapists and came to think of it as a really evolved and conscious way of doing life rather than stuffing down deep feelings, ignoring our problems and going it alone (my old way!).

-Went to my family Dr. to discuss my low mood and feelings of uneasiness with myself and explore the idea of anti-depressants and anti anxiety drugs. She really complimented me for seeking therapy and other ways of dealing with the challenges and not jumping right away to medications as the first line of support. She really believed in working through the pain and challenges so it can be resolved instead of needing meds again and again. She also normalized what I was going through letting me know that half the visits she sees are people seeking help for depression and anxiety. When I left there I really felt I was headed in the right direction and not alone.   I felt that medication was an option if it got too painful or hard to get through the day. I decided to keep doing the deep work on myself knowing I would come out healed and as the best version of me.

-At my lowest point I asked my coach if she thought this dark period would end. I was so low that I really didn’t have confidence on if it would. She was able to reassure me from her own experience that it would end.

-Got body work done including massage, Reikki energy healing, healing touch, guided and supported breath work and energetic alignment chiropractic work.

-Asked a woman who struggled with depression for many years and a full on suicide attempt to meet for coffee so I could hear her story and get her insight on how she got through it.

-Asked a woman who struggled with anxiety how she overcame it.

-Reminded myself I didn’t have to do it alone, God and the infinite universal energy was there to support me too.

Leaned on my husband Patrick.

-Asked for lots of cuddles

-Shared a lot of what was going on with me. Told him my old and deep fear that if I wasn’t always optimistic and happy that he would leave me. He assured me he wasn’t going anywhere. He also pointed out that maybe I was just a different person now and getting back to where I was is not necessarily going to happen and he was with me no matter what. This was so liberating for me to hear him say this. It opened up my mind to the reality that I am different than I was 2, 5, 8 years ago. In the past I faked it a lot, I stuffed my feelings down and I wasn’t the truest, most expressed and fulfilled version of me. I realized that going through the darkness actually was real and that the person who comes out on the other side will be the most authentic, expressed, deeply joyful (not fake happy) and best version of me.

 

 

Surrounded myself with positivity and practices that made me feel more positive

-Prosperity playground Calls – Got on this 15-20 minute inspirational call with one of my mentors, George Kansas Monday-Friday at 9 am and it was a real bright spot in otherwise very painful days.

-I trusted my gut on who would be nourishing to be around and who would be stressful to be around and avoided the former and sought out the latter.

-Avoided all negative inputs such as scary shows. Avoided the news (this was a continued practice from the past few years since it is never nourishing or positive)

-Used the knowledge of my pregnancy and the desire to have a positive energy and vibe for the baby to increase my motivation to do what it takes to get to a more positive place.

-Patted myself on the back for every little win. Things like getting out of bed, meditating, journaling.

-Did things with my daughter that I really loved with my favorite thing to do with her being long leisurely swims with no time constraints. Reading with her, having leisurely snacks and meals together, coloring, playing with blocks and paddle boarding were also activities where I felt the best during so I encouraged myself to do these( even when I felt like doing nothing).

– Celebrated every little progress along the way. For Example on Fathers day I realized I felt a bit better than I had at Mothers day and I celebrated this.

-Success journaling constantly

-When I noticed my thoughts were negative, worry or just generally not serving my best and highest self I would shift them as quickly as possible towards how I desired to be feeling and thinking. Sometimes I would quickly usher them out by letting them know I was not interested in going there or saying cancel 3x and then pressing into a better feeling thought.

 

-Since I knew that joy could only be felt in the present moment and my tendency had been to get caught up with thoughts of the future I started doing a lot of presence practices to help me feel more happy, peaceful and grounded.

-One that really helped was randomly stopping what I was doing and saying out loud 5 things I see, hear, feel in that moment. There is no way to be in the future or past while doing this which I loved!

-Took time to be present and filled with gratitude while doing things like cooking, cleaning, putting away laundry instead of always multi-tasking, This gave me a lot more satisfaction from each task and helped me learn to stay in and enjoy the little moments that make up life.

-Continued and increased my mindful eating practices and avoided multitasking while eating.

-Pressed into the belief that there is a bigger thing happening for me. No matter how hard things felt I deeply felt this was all happening for me to learn and grow and become an even more expressed and fulfilled version of me. Had a community that I pressed into all the time that held this belief sacred and reminded me of it regularly too which was very helpful.

– Reminded myself and was reminded by one of my coaches that I was going through a breakdown because I was close to a huge breakthrough,

-Appreciate every little glimpse of peace and joy and little signs I was on the right path …really took time to appreciate the little things because what we appreciate, appreciates.

-Gratitude journaling every night

-Using 5-4-3-2-1 Technique from Mel Robbins helped me to get up and moving in the morning helped me some mornings.

Moved my body almost every day in some way, even if I was reluctant to go I always was grateful I did it and felt so good afterwards.

-Coaching some fitness sessions was been helpful because this was one of the only times in the day I was able to be present in the moment with the clients, the music, the words and the task at hand of bringing the clients greatness out of them. Even though it felt hard sometimes to get there I always felt pretty good after.

 

Conclusions

 

I believe this Dark period would have lasted a lot longer with a lot less breakthroughs without all of the the support I actively sought out.

 

-Depression is real, it is not something that we can just “snap out of”. We have to go through and feel the underlying feelings that are making us so uncomfortable before we can breakthrough.

 

And so many more!!